The Underwear Dilemma
by otaku4BL
Summary: Yes, now I'm on a DC kick thanks to Kira - -' Anyway, please enjoy Hakuba having a breakdown, Hattori emotionally scarring people, Shinichi being violated, and Kaito never being allowed in the Kudou household again. X3 meow!


The Underwear Dilemma

"But it's not fair!" Kaito exclaimed. The four teenage boys were grouped around the coffee table in the middle of the Kudou living room. Kaito was having his mini-tantrum on a corner of the couch, with Shinichi sitting boredly to his side, after trying futilely to scoot away. Hakuba was slouched forward in an armchair, and Hattori was seated in a recliner with his arms behind his head. Kaito was oblivious to the fact that no one was really paying attention to him, and kept his string of complaints going.

"You've all seen mine, why can't you just tell me yours?!" Kaito had leaped from the couch and looked as if he would tear his hair out.

"Once again, your logic makes no sense at all."

Kaito held his chin and thought for a moment, and then the wheels began to turn.

"Oh. Well, I guess if it was Shinichi, I wouldn't mind a peek, too." Kaito turned to wink at Shinichi, then grinned at the dark blush and annoyed expression on the boy's face.

"Please leave me out of this…"

"But you saw too, so you _are _involved." He flashed another smile at Shinichi, then turned back to the others. "So, are you gonna tell me, or not?"

A strangled "not!" came from behind him.

"What do you think?"

"I would, but you won't like it." Hattori was still in a laid-back state, and it didn't look like he was embarrassed or worried in the least. Still, Kaito began to panic.

"What? Why? What is it, Hattori?!" Kaito gasped, and his eyes widened, "Do you have Shinichi's face, too?!"

The group was silent then, and everyone looked a little more alert, especially Hattori, who looked as if Kaito had just burst into flames. Kaito was still standing, looking panicked at Hattori, who was starting to slide in his chair. After a while, Hattori was finally able to speak.

"N-No! Why would ya even say that? It's something else that ya really, really wouldn't like." His eyes narrowed. "Though now I'm not too reluctant to tell ya."

"Well what is it then?" Kaito looked as if he would explode, so Hattori had no choice. Not to mention the fact that he really wanted to punch Kaito for assuming that so seriously…

"Fine, ya wanna know that badly? Okay then!" Hattori stood up and crossed his arms. He spoke slowly, trying to draw out the pain he was about to cause. "I wear boxers with FISH on them. Ya happy now?" He sat back down with satisfaction at the broken-down-almost-to-the-point-of-tears look on Kaito's face. Kaito looked as if he would jump through the ceiling, but wasn't doing that yet, so Hattori decided to speed up the process.

"Well, do ya wanna see them?" Hattori asked as he slowly stood up and reached toward his belt.

The girl-like scream that emanated deafeningly from Kaito was almost as satisfying as seeing him try to leap over the couch, and instead topple it over, flipping Shinichi over with so much momentum that he did a sort of handstand before sliding down to the floor. Hattori did feel a little bad for Shinichi, of course, but he would get over it.

"A perfect example of why I wanted to be left out of - GACK!" Shinichi was interrupted as Kaito flung himself over him, with whimpering pleas, refusing to let go until Shinichi made Hattori pull his pants up (though he hadn't even unbuckled his belt yet, which Kaito couldn't see on account of his eyes being closed the whole time.

"Could you please get over it? There are over 21 million fish in the world, so deal with it." Hakuba was being his normal the-facts-are-life self, but it still sparked an enormous yelp from Kaito, still wrapped around Shinichi, who was clawing at the carpet in an attempt to crawl away. After he had a chance to calm down, Kaito's thoughts had returned to his previous argument.

"Why don't you tell me what you're wearing, then maybe I'll stop screaming!" Kaito was looking desperate, and he was beginning to suffocate Shinichi, who was punching Kaito in effort to escape.

Hattori, who hadn't been paying much attention anymore, was immediately snapped to attention. He was probably just mishearing things, but still…

"What did ya just say now?!"

Kaito turned to look at Hattori, a little fear still left in his eyes, but mostly with an inquisitorial expression. "What? All I said was, if Hakuba shows me his boxers, then I'll shut up...maybe..."

Hattori relaxed a little, slouched back in the chair, and uttered a soft "oh, yeah, that's exactly what I thought you said..." before returning to his almost-nap.

Shinichi, after finally being able to free himself, spoke up. "Okay then...by the way, you don't necessarily know that Hakuba wears boxers. For all we know, he could wear briefs, or even....y-you don't wear a, a _thong_, d-do you?" Shinichi didn't know whether to laugh or not, when Hakuba started to choke on his own saliva. When he could finally breathe again, he looked at Shinichi as if he was insane.

"Why would you even assume - no, of course I don't wear a-a-a-a thong!"

Kaito became annoyed again. "Then just tell us! You can keep your pants on for it, just tell us!"

Hattori sighed, then offered up his information. "He wears silk boxers, baby pink, with rubber ducks. Now settle down before ya pee your pants, Kuroba."

Hakuba turned his head slowly toward Hattori, whose posture had made absolutely no change, though his expression did look a little bit amused. Hakuba couldn't quite form words, so he began spluttering nonsense.

"What - but - you - and - we - but - I - eh - eh - eh - eh - eh?!" Hakuba's face had turned red so fast that Kaito had no time to process the events, and Shinichi was looking as if he wanted to ask Hattori something, but for _some _reason, he was a bit distracted. Kaito was able to ask the question they both wanted to know, though.

"How do you _know_ that?!"

Hattori raised an eyebrow at Kaito, ignoring Hakuba's cry of "achk!" He stared at Kaito a little bit longer, sighed again, then replied, "How do you **think **I know that?"

The whole room was silent again. It didn't last long though, because soon, Hakuba was able to jump up, launch himself at Hattori, and practically strangle him. Kaito and Shinichi were watching as Hakuba tried to kill Hattori, and Hattori was unable to defend himself, on account of simultaneously being crushed by his chair and Hakuba. When Hakuba made a particular movement, Hattori made an interestingly warbled yelp, and all movement ceased. However, it was Hattori's turn to turn a violent shade of maroon. Hakuba stared at him a moment, then his eyes began to widen, and he immediately leapt back to his chair. Hattori stood up facing away from the group, straightened his chair, and sat down, strategically placing a pillow in his lap, put his head in his hand, and looked out the window. Everyone stared at him, except Hakuba, who had his hands in his lap, and was looking - or rather glaring - at the floor, still as red as ever. Kaito was laughing so hard the floor seemed to be shaking a little, and Shinichi looked as if he was going to shoot himself, which really couldn't be put past him.

After a few minutes of Hattori muttering, "dead kittens, grandmother's mustache, Megure in a bikini..." Kaito's raucous laughter, Shinichi looking suicidal, and Hakuba trying to win his staring contest with the floor, Kaito finally remembered the original purpose of this meeting. He swiveled to give Shinichi an evil smile. "Alright, that's three out of four of us, so Shin-chan...what are you wearing right now?"

Shinichi blushed, not as nearly as heavily as Hattori or Hakuba still were, but enough to provoke Kaito. "Well, are you going to tell us?"

"No."

"Then I'll just have to make you tell!" Kaito was about to spring, Shinichi could see the look in his eyes, so he gave an involuntary "eep" and ran into the kitchen. Kaito was right behind him, and the other two teens listened as the chase continued upstairs, and to the occasional crash that they would probably have to help clean up, whatever it was. Then Shinichi ran full throttle back down the stairs, Kaito still on his tail, and took a wild dive for the space between the couch and the wall. However, Kaito managed to get a hold of one of his belt loops before they both disappeared behind the sofa.

Hattori and Hakuba watched nervously as Shinichi's pants fluttered away, and listened to the struggle behind the couch. It wasn't long before Kaito was victorious. A single hand rose up above the back of the couch, holding up a pair of boxers. What little of the background that could be seen was a cream color. But the surface was covered in white top-hats and monocles. This was accompanied by Kaito's shout of, "see? He really _does_ care!" and Shinichi's near-screams of "get off of me so I can get my pants on!!" No one seemed to notice that the lock on the door in the kitchen was clicking, nor that the door was creeping open. At least, not until Yukiko and Yusaku Kudou had entered the living room...


End file.
